I am a survivor

I am here to tell you that I am not broken. As long as I can remember you wanted me to believe that I was. As a child, you used me as your scapegoat whenever you angry at someone. You made me believe I was to blame for your anger, that if I told anyone about what you were doing that you would lose your job and that we would be without a home. What a warped mind that you had to tell a five year old those lies. The teenager years were even worse, the lies you told other people, even to your husband about me to make yourself look like the martyr. You had to be the center of attention and in control in order to feel good about yourself. You made me doubt myself and sold me on the idea that I was fat, ugly and stupid, in other words I was broken. As long as I believed it, you were in control and you could continue to hurt me in every way possible, including taking what was not yours to take, my children.

I am here to tell you that you are the broken one and you always have been. I have survived and become successful. You can not defeat me, I am strong, smart and successful and all without destroying someone else's life or family. You can never take that away from me or hurt me again. Your sickness cannot touch me anymore. All the things you did to me to convince that I was a broken child and because of that it was okay to treat me like you did, did not work. I walked through the hell you made my life and came out the other side. I did not make it through unscathed, there are scars. The wounds like turning my father against me, the Christmases that you force me to be alone because my children were invited and I wasn't and siding with the man that not only abused me, but your granddaughter as well in order to take my children away. But I wear the scars as a badge of honor, because if I can survive you, I can survive anything. You could not defeat me and you never will. Some people think I should hate you, but I feel pity for you because you are the loser. I hope someday MY children find out how empty and ugly you are inside.

The best thing is I know you have nothing to do with my success, actually either of you, Lucy and Jon Peters can lay claim to the woman I have become. You will never know what you are missing. You both had your chance and blew it

Emotional changes

As the physical changes of weight loss are definitely noticeable, the emotional changes are not so much. I know that I have been more intolerant of people since I have loss so much weight. There are days I hate myself the more weight I lose. I look into the mirror and see the women who gave birth to me looking back at me. The women who could never keep friends, was always using people to get ahead and never anything nice to say about anyone unless it got her something. The only she ever loved was money. She was the most abusive, nasty and destructive person I have ever known.

I keep telling myself I am not her, that I am nothing like her, but that is not as convincing as it us to be. Maybe I was using the weight to hide from her and the fact that she gave me half my DNA. I can hope that when I reach my goal that I am not the person that she abused, both verbally and physically, but one that will come to realize that she is no longer worth my energy. I am not what she wanted to be, I am more and that is something I have to keep remembering.

Ken's Slow Cooked Kitchen Sink BBQ Bean

Ken's Slow Cooked Kitchen Sink BBQ Bean


Here's the recipe for Ken's Slow Cooked Kitchen Sink Barbecue Beans, absolutely the best BBQ beans you will ever taste. Yes, they take forever to make (why do you think we call them "slow cooked") but the results are so yummy!

This recipe calls for 2 cups of beans which makes about 4 servings, however if you want to cook more just start with more beans and the other ingredients as listed. Then adjust ingredients to your taste during the last hour of cooking.

Finally, we call it kitchen sink beans because we put everything but the kitchen sing in it. Oh, it's O.K. if you want to add:
celery
vinegar
Hot sauce or peppers
lemon juice
honey
the kitchen sink

Ingredients

* 2 cups kidney beans (you can substitute pinto or red beans)
* 1/2 cup Chinese BBQ pork, chopped (see note)
* 1 medium onion, diced
* 4 cloves garlic, minced
* 1/2 cup brown sugar
* 1/2 cup barbecue sauce
* 1/2 cup ketchup
* 1 tbsp liquid smoke
* 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
* 1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
* 1 tbsp salt
* 1/2 tbsp black pepper
* water, as needed (see directions)

Note: Chinese BBQ pork is sold in most major grocery stores today. Ask store personnel if you can not find it. If unavailable, use any lean cut of pork.
Note 2: You are going to be cooking the beans a long time. The liquid in the pot will evaporate rapidly and repeatedly. You must watch the beans closely and keep them submerged in water. If the beans dry out they will burn quickly and be uneatable. Use a large pot that will hold a lot of liquid and you will not have to add water as often.

Directions
1. In a large pot combine all ingredients. Cover with as much water as the pot will hold.
2. Bring to a boil then lower heat so as to maintain a slow simmer.
3. Cook until beans are tender. This may take 5 or more hours. This time may be reduced if you soak the beans overnight prior to cooking.
4. VERY IMPORTANT!! When the beans are tender, taste and add any ingredients needed. Frequently some people like more brown sugar and/or BBQ sauce. Adjust the liquid (water) in the pot just so the beans are covered. Continue cooking until the liquid is reduced to a slightly thick sauce. You must watch the beans closely during this step or they will burn.

Final note: If you should end up with a thin, watery, very liquid sauce after the beans are cooked...add BBQ sauce and brown sugar. Continue cooking until you get a thick sauce with attention grabbing flavor.

Location:Lincoln St,Savannah,United States

Savannah --- Bonaventure and other places

I have an interesting hobby. I like to take pictures of graveyards. One of my favorites is Bonaventure. It is home to some of Savannah's famous people, however it is the not so famous people that have make it special. While I do have pictures of some of the famous graves, I think they all tell stories of lives that added to the city of Savannah.




One of the avenues in Bonaventure. The founder planted live oaks over 300 years ago. Today they are draped in Spanish moss. There is over 160 acres of history here. It is a nice peaceful place to walk and explore the history of Savannah.





After a busy day of exploring, Dan and I walked to the Gryphon tea room, which sits one of the squares. First of all, it was good to be able to walk the 7 blocks, which doesn't sound all that impressive, however last year there was no way I would have made it. The tearoom is a nice little place to get a cup of tea and some scones with clotted cream.

After coming back we headed to City Market and went to Molly McPherson's. It is a Scottish pub where I was very happy with a small meat pie and a scotch egg. A small dinner since where we are staying offers us afternoon tea and desserts and cordials everyday.

Today it looks like we are headed to Tybee island. It is cloudy today and only 63 degrees. I am not sure I want to sit on the beach today, maybe we will hit the small shops like the Savannah Bee company, a good bookstore and Gallerie Espresso for an afternoon cup of tea. I do want to explore the City Market some more and River street. I might even convince Dan to do a ghost tour

Location:Lincoln St,Savannah,United States

Easy Southern Sausage, Beans, and Rice

Easy Southern Sausage, Beans, and Rice

Serves 4

Traditionally, smoked or fresh southern pork sausage, known as Andouille, is the centerpiece of this Cajun-inspired dish. Pinto beans, onions and green peppers get a kick from fire roasted tomatoes and green chiles in this deceptively simple yet filling meal.
Nutrition

Per serving (about 19oz/542g-wt.): 680 calories (280 from fat), 31g total fat, 10g saturated fat, 65mg cholesterol, 1010mg sodium, 79g total carbohydrate (8g dietary fiber, 7g sugar), 22g protein
Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil
3/4 pound fresh or smoked andouille pork sausage links
1 medium green bell pepper, cored, seeded, and chopped
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 dried bay leaf
1 (14.5-ounce) can fire roasted diced tomatoes with green chiles
1 (15-ounce) can pinto beans, undrained
Salt and pepper to taste
4 cups cooked white or brown rice
Directions

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add sausage and cover skillet. Cook, turning sausage occasionally, until browned on all sides, about 10 minutes. Transfer sausage to a large plate, set aside until cool enough to handle, then cut into 1/2-inch slices.

Add peppers and onions to the hot skillet. Increase heat to medium high, add thyme and bay leaf and cook, scraping up any browned bits, until vegetables are golden brown and just softened, about 5 minutes.

Add tomatoes with their liquid, then fill the empty can with water and add to the skillet, too. Stir in beans, salt and pepper, and reserved sausage, reduce heat to medium and simmer until flavors are developed, about 20 minutes. Remove and discard bay leaf and serve sausage and beans spooned over rice, with a piece of cornbread on the side, if you like.

Location:E Gaston St,Savannah,United States

Savannah -- Hilton Head

Yesterday we decided not to stay in Savannah, but we went to Hilton Head. I had to buy a small camera because a dummy I forgot my big one. I think I like Tybee island better then Hilton Head. Maybe it was the day, it just seemed there were lots of people. I can imagine what it is like in the summer.

When we returned to the hotel, I was able to relax and get some school reading done. It was a nice 77 degrees and the breeze was gentle. Dan was able to get a new story published to his blog also. I think it is quite good a departure from his normal stories, which are also good.

After a relaxing afternoon, we went to dinner down on the riverfront. We went to a place called Huey's. It serves great Cajun/Creole food. I was able to get my protein in by having crab corn chowder and then some oysters. I really have had a craving for them lately. The restaurant had it's big glass windows open and you could hear the street performers all during dinner. I have to say that they do pay attention you at Huey's. The chef actually came out because our waiter saw him shaking his head and thought he didn't like his dinner., which was stuffed flounder. Actually Dan really did like it and if Dan likes it, it has to be good. I told him not to shake his head anymore :) But I am glad they do pay such close attention, it is a credit to the staff and the chef. I would recommend this place to anyone looking for a good meal and a great staff.

Today, I am hoping to go back to Bonadventure to get some more pictures and maybe even hit the bookstore and the Gryphon Tearoom which are both on Chatham square. I might even get to the botanical gardens to get some pictures as the flowers and trees are starting to bloom. It is spring in the south.

Savannah

Well here I am in Savannah and the high today is 75. I fell in love with this city last year when we first came here. I love the feel of the city and especially the historic district. Savannah is a unique blend of old and modern, which seems to suit me just fine. The B&B we stay at is a quick walk to Forsyth park, where you can sit and watch the fountain and the people in Savannah. You tell a lot about a place by it's people. They are always so warm and friendly which gives this city an extra dimension of complexity. Savannah society is still ruled by the gentile manners of the south. Society that I think of as an iron fist in a velvet glove. While the modern world rushes towards change, Savannah hears it's own drummer and dances toward change at it's own pace.

I love to take pictures in this town. From the old graveyards to the river walk and the old matrons of the historic district, they all make Savannah what it is. The squares that the neighborhoods are built around are hubs of activity, from children in school uniforms to the old men playing chess at an old card table, they seem to be the heartbeat of daily life.

I often think that Dan would flourish down here as writer, Savannah seems to embrace it's artist and writers in special regard. There is so much here to let the imagination take flight. I can see Dan spending his time in our favorite tea room writing and maybe even working on his masters. For me, I don't know what I would do, with my degree I could certainly work in a museum or teach.

Only time will tell and everyday is another day in my journey. Sometimes I think I know where I am going and some days my GPS takes off on a side journey. But no matter what, it makes my life interesting.

So for the next four days, I will be writing about Savannah and what I find.......

Location:Lincoln St,Savannah,United States