49 days to go

Okay today I decided it was the day to talk about my relationship with food. Believe me when I tell you that my relationship with is not as complex as my former therapist made it out to be. At this point in my life, I like to eat plain and simple. Sure I can say that it was because my mother was a flaming bitch to me for as long as I can remember or that I had a horrible abusive boy friend that I lived with for 8 years. But I have gotten on with my life, I no longer have a relationship with my family and the abusive boyfriend has moved on to another lonely vulnerable women.

I have been happily married for 11 years and I am successful in my chosen career, I am even going back to college for my second degree. The bad experiences with the toxic people in my life is in the past and I am all about moving forward and not looking back. However, this did not happen overnight. It took allot of looking at who I was and where I wanted to go in my life to get to this point. It was a painful journey and there were times that it felt like food was my only friend and I honestly believe that I did not deserve to thin and healthy because of the mistakes I had made and how I saw myself in the mirror every day. There were morning were I saw myself as a fat, stupid and lazy person and sometimes that person does still show up. But now when I see that person in the mirror, I have the self confidence to kick them to the curb. I find that I gain that strength by telling myself what is wonderful about myself. Some days are harder then others since I still have the habit of beating myself up when I make a mistake.

I will admit that during the dark times in my life, food was my best friend (or at least I thought so). It never judged me, it was always there to take away the hurt. What I did not see then, that I see now is that there was a price to pay for that comfort and acceptance. I am not saying that food is the enemy, I was my own worse enemy, I allowed this to happen, no one else. I don't think until I was able to admit that to myself that I was truly ready to take the step of weight loss surgery.

Another day to mark off the calendar. Another day closer to finding my true self. Another step on a life long journey